Physician, M.D.

A good doctor is made up of 4 components. Only one of those components truly dictate whether or not someone is a good doctor. Knowledge is the first component, and the baseline. It’s obviously near impossible for any doctor to conduct their job if they have no understanding of the field they’re in and the information within it. While necessary, knowledge doesn’t truly dictate the quality of a doctor.

Think of the brain as the vault for knowledge, and information as the money within said vault. The amount of money in a vault is independent to what that person chooses to do with it. The way in which they obtained that money is also independent to what that person chooses to do with it. It may impress you, it may have been hard to accomplish, but it will never change the fact that everything regarding the money in that vault is independent to what that person chooses to do with it. Just take a look around, there’s people with large amounts of wealth that have never even given a dollar. At the same time, there are people working minimum wage jobs that have given money here and there to those in need whenever they were able to. The inverse of these examples are also true.

Intelligence is the second component of a good doctor. We need to be clear about what intelligence is though because it’s widely misinterpreted. Intelligence is not what you know, it’s how your brain operates. It’s the ability to perceive, process and comprehend, accurately. It’s the ability to put pieces together exceptionally, especially when problem solving. It’s being able to perform well when presented with new challenges. Intelligence can’t be what you know, because intelligence is your ability to effectively use what you know to begin with.

The concept of intelligence is pointless if it can simply be a synonym for “knowledge” or “educated”. Cause we already have a word for when you possess a wealth of information. We already have a word for when you’ve been taught information from people much more informed than you on a given subject. Why use those words to replace the one we have for when your critical thinking & problem solving is much better than the average person?

The school system is definitely to blame for a lot of this since you’re rewarded based on what you can remember. The more you remember, the better your grade, the “smarter” you are, cause that’s just how things have been constructed. Bad grades & an inability to understand the material is perceived as being stupid, rather than any reflection of the teacher’s ability to teach or the school system’s ability to adapt to children’s needs.

Intelligence is needed in order for a good doctor to treat a patient whose underlying issues are not immediately apparent through testing, schooling or previous experience—leaving the doctor to have to use their intellect to figure out how to navigate with said patient and reach proper treatment. While necessary, intelligence doesn’t truly dictate the quality of a doctor. They could easily hold hatred or prejudice against you, causing you receive a lower quality of care as a result. Whether or not they’re intelligent has nothing to do with it, nor would this behavior inherently suggest they aren’t. Intelligence is completely independent of morality and agreeability (which seemingly is only understood when the subject is “evil” like a serial killer).

People’s view of intelligence is one that’s usually positive and absolutely so. Meaning people view intelligence to be a positive thing and so much so that they have bonded the two concepts together. The idea of an intelligent doctor that’s also prejudiced sounds contradictory to many people. But again, the two do not cancel each other out.

There are various reasons why someone can hold hatred and prejudice towards a group of individuals, not all of them involve a conscious train of thought. It’s nothing more than contempt. You don’t need a “good reason” to feel it. It’s also important to note that most people who feel contempt don’t care that they do. For some reason people think if someone doesn’t care about something it’s a conscious decision being made, when the reality is they simply, genuinely, do not care. The capacity to do so is nonexistent for them. None of that has anything to do with intelligence. A person’s perception, critical thinking & problem solving could be exceptional while still holding hateful views towards a group of people. It’s 100% a reflection of their character, but not their intelligence.

Often times labeling someone or something as intelligent is the social equivalent of giving a dog a treat, due to how much weight intelligence has socially. This behavior has skewed the understanding of intelligence even further. Whether you’re the one giving the treat or receiving it, both ends of this behavior reinforce the positive association between intelligence and morality/agreeability. Like when someone is aware of how something they think of doing might impact someone else, they usually get called smart or intelligent for it. Of course, the extent at which they’re able to accurately predict how their actions would affect that person could reflect their intelligence, as that would be critical thinking. There’s something they deem to be an issue, which is them potentially causing harm to someone, and they are using their intellect to investigate this further. But that critical thought specifically is not what’s usually being praised. People are just responding to the fact that they’re displaying a level of compassion & thoughtfulness that they deem admirable, and want to reward them for it.

Alternatively; if you treat your “friends” in certain ways that are specific to each person, solely for the personal benefits you’re hoping to get out of them, and you succeed at doing this, then that is reflective of your intelligence. You accurately perceived the people around you and problem solved to get what you wanted using the information you had. Does that make it a “good” thing? No. It’d be manipulative. That still doesn’t change the fact you used your intellect to successfully solve the problem of “How do I get what I want?”.

Whether someone’s intelligence is a “positive” or “negative” trait is entirely dependent on the individual and how they conduct themselves. The presence of intelligence itself does not dictate how it will be used, or if it will be used. The use of hate and prejudice as examples aren’t to suggest we have an epidemic of bigoted doctors—they’re simply the worst things a doctor can subject a patient to that isn’t a crime. Which means… if the worst reasons a patient can receive a lower quality of care aren’t dictated by their doctor’s intelligence, then imagine all the much more tame reasons there are for an intelligent doctor to not be providing their patients the quality of care they deserve. Or even simply just the sheer number of reasons that could actually be present.

Humility is the third component of a good doctor. This is simply because humility is needed in all paths of life, with no exceptions. In the case of a doctor, a rampant ego leads to narrow minded thinking with little to no respect for the patient. Whatever concerns the patient has are invalidated, dismissed, or even mocked. Any ability for self analysis in relation to the service they provide is practically nonexistent. Any ability for change is severely limited. If someone walks around thinking they can truly do whatever the fuck they want in relation to the work they do or hobby they indulge in, they are bound to be a failure.

To be clear, humility is needed towards that thing specifically, and not necessarily anyone or anything outside of it. The artists you think aren’t humble that create amazing stuff—that may even call themselves the greatest—they still are. Just not towards anyone outside of what they do. It’s impossible to create the best music, film, television, etc. that your medium has seen unless you have a complete humility towards that medium itself. The creative process is a long one and it requires you to be humble enough to know what is & isn’t terrible out of what it is you’re trying to do. Every creator has weak ideas and has them very regularly, but the reason why the finished products of the most revered creators are consistently great is because humility is naturally baked into their creative process. Without humility you’d shit out every last idea you have thinking it’s gold.

Similarly, if you’re a martial artist that lacks humility you’ll greatly overestimate your abilities, as well as underestimate your opponents, leaving you liable to get your ass handed to you. If you’re an athlete lacking humility you’ll start skipping practice, think everyone else on the field is a sucker including your own teammates, go for the dumbest plays thinking you’ll pull them off, and then suddenly the numbers you put up aren’t matching the player you claim to be. There is not a single hobby, profession or practice that doesn’t require humility in order to execute it effectively. And if you need to work with other people in order to execute or finalize your work, you have to retain humility towards those people. They are inherently now apart of your work.

A patient is inherently apart of a doctor’s work. There isn’t even anything to do if not for there being a patient. Which means even if the doctor has an egotistical personality outside of their work it wouldn’t matter, because you the patient are inherently apart of what it is they do. If they are truly humble towards it, that humility will extend to you, for as long as you are apart of it. While necessary, humility doesn’t truly dictate the quality of a doctor. It reflects how they approach their profession, not their ability to perform it or level of dedication to it.

Commitment is the fourth, final and dictating component of a good doctor. More specifically, commitment to the patient. One that makes sure they’ll receive the understanding & treatment they need to continue on with their lives. No matter how capable a doctor is at providing good healthcare, it will never matter as much as their desire to provide it to you. Knowledge & intelligence mean nothing if they don’t use it. Humility barely matters if they’re barely interacting with the thing they have humility towards. Commitment is the only thing that guarantees the utilization of all three.

Combine these 4 traits together, and you have a doctor humble enough to sincerely listen to the concerns of the patient and question their own decision making, knowledgeable enough to know what options are available, intelligent enough to navigate & solve complex or puzzling cases, and committed enough to solving the issue or at the very least making the most out of what they can offer. That is a good doctor. Nothing about a doctor is relevant other than the quality of healthcare they provide their patients. Absolutely nothing.

When it comes to the quality of healthcare that patients in this country receive, there’s a huge disparity. It’s not uncommon for doctors to dismiss patient concerns, not take alleged symptoms seriously enough, mock them for suggesting something, and give up on them or conclude nothing is wrong the moment test results don’t align with the alleged symptoms. This can be especially true towards women and racial minorities. Just because someone’s a doctor doesn’t mean they’re a good one, nor does it mean they have the patient’s best interest.

Ego is also rampant in the medical field. Especially from people that have online platforms and love waving around their sense of authority and soaking up praise from their audience. Any job that allows someone to refer to themselves as a “professional” tends to have this issue of people letting that title get to their head. Their inflated egos usually have less effect on how they view their own abilities, and a much greater one on how they view the value in their voice over their clients or patients. That’s how you end up with tattoo artists belittling the idea of a client making their own design that’s going to permanently be on their own body.^[1] As if somehow the tattoo artist being a “professional” overrides any input from the client that’s paying them to do their job. Pay attention in general to people that emphasize they’re a “professional” on the internet, you’ll notice the ego. Even the ones that are generally really sweet will suddenly have this shift in tone and energy once you suggest something that goes against their sense of authority.

And then even when a doctor isn’t explicitly doing something “wrong” there’s still a wide spectrum in quality. Personally I’ve seen many doctors who you can tell have no thought process of their own. Everything is strictly whatever it is they were taught in medical school. Other doctors however you can tell have an intimate understanding of the field they’re in. It truly is a night and day difference.

There are an abundance of stories of people getting conflicting information from doctors, being dismissed & downplayed by several, dealing with incompetence, going through several doctors on an issue they were persistent about until they finally found one that cared to do their job, or, never even getting that lucky and giving up entirely. Since a child I have routinely heard these kinds of stories from a strong variation of sources. Whether it was a family friend, people sharing their experiences online, or internet figures who opened up about a previous experience or one they just had, I’m reminded at least a few times a year about how common it is to have to put in so much work as a patient to actually receive the care you were supposed to get the first time. Assuming you ever even receive it.

The most recent example I came across was Jonathan Morrison. (I apologize if this ends up being an inappropriate use of your video.) A content creator that had his entire life derailed for the past year due to a sudden onslaught of health problems.^[2] The things he’s been experiencing is quite a long list, including countless things you’ve most likely never even heard of. Memory loss, confusion, disorientation, spacial awareness problems, oculomotor dysfunction, diplopia, photophobia, bulged discs, degeneration, a pinched nerve—and that’s not even the half of it.^[2] I strongly recommend you watch the first 9 minutes of his video so you understand the gravity of his situation. The remainder of the video focuses on his attempts at receiving medical attention;

“Probably the lowest point of all this was in February where things were just getting worse and it was a situation where time definitely was not healing all. I had seen multiple doctors, multiple specialists, including three different neurologists who all concluded that this was most likely anxiety, told me to work on my mental health, and then prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication. I remember begging and pleading with the last neurologist like ‘Let’s just order an MRI something feels wrong in my neck’ but they said ‘there’s really not a point, we’re not gonna find anything’ so, after a certain point you start to believe them.

I remember being in so much mental and physical pain that it got to the point where my mom offered me heavier painkillers which is something she would never do. I remember trying to explain to her ‘Mom, It’s not the pain. I can deal with pain, but my mind is gone’ and I didn’t want to take anything that was gonna take me further away from what little I was holding on to. So I think seeing my mom both helpless and hopeless just kind of broke me. I knew I had to figure it out for her, but I didn’t know how. The idea of going through more doctors, more specialists, more blood tests, more neurologists, just to be told that it was in your head sounded so impossible. I ended up finding an amazing primary care doctor, Dr. Ardeshana and he was the first doctor to listen and said ‘This sounds like more than anxiety’.

DR. ARDESHANA: I remember I think your first time, your face—there was no happiness, there was nothing, and you were all sad and now I see on your face [a] smile. That’s what gives me happiness and that’s my satisfaction more than anything.

MORRISON: So he ordered blood panels and more importantly, an MRI. That MRI changed my life. He called me a couple days later and said ‘There’s definitely some problems going on. The report is showing some bulged discs, degeneration and a pinched nerve so I’d recommend going and finding a spine surgeon or specialist’ and I did. The spine surgeon did confirm those problems and said that while I may need surgery eventually it’s best to try and avoid it and that if I could, try finding an upper cervical neck chiropractor and specifically someone that specialized in Blair. I will be the first to admit, the word ‘chiropractor’ scared the shit out of me. But, this was coming from a spine surgeon so I checked it out.

It looked different than the traditional cracks and pops and ring dinger videos that you see across TikTok and Instagram and YouTube. I was desperate though and willing to try anything because up until this point I didn’t have a single answer. This is the part of the story where it sounds like a miracle is about to happen, but it didn’t. I found a doctor in [Los Angeles] who I’m not gonna name because I don’t think he’s inherently a bad doctor but he was a bad doctor for me. He ended up doing multiple adjustments per week, which seemed to contradict the ideology of Blair chiropractic and everything that I had looked up and learned.

I would bring things up like ‘Hey I think it’s more than just my neck, there’s something wrong in my trap and in my eye that’s impacting my range of motion’ and he would just kind of dismiss it. After about two weeks he was visibly frustrated with me and told me that I should be making more progress than I was and that most patients by this point were making more progress. With that frustration he made a noticeably more aggressive adjustment that really just seemed to make things worse. It was bad… and I just remember sitting in my car, in the parking lot, just crying because I didn’t think anything would work.

Every single night I would fall asleep to YouTube videos looking and searching for any kind of answer or help or hope. I ended up stumbling upon Dr. Kevin Pecca and a couple of things he talked about really hit home.

PECCA: It’s like the twilight zone. Every day is the worst day of your life and you can’t figure out why.

MORRISON: That, was me. But the next thing really hit me. He was at his lowest point and woke up not wanting to be here anymore. He decided to push through, saw a priest, and was surprised with what the priest told him. The priest said ‘There’s not a prayer or a Hail Mary that’s gonna save you. You have to go out and find the person that went through what you’re going through, figure out how they beat it and then do that, or, if you can’t find that person… be that person.’ Shortly after that, I was falling asleep to one of his podcasts with Dr. Elizabeth Hoefer who happened to be in Southern California. What stood out to me was her interest in neurology, functional neurology, and that she integrated MRIs into her findings. So I decided to ditch the doctor in [Los Angeles] and give this a chance.

March 12th… that was the day that I still couldn’t speak so I wrote Dr. Hoefer this letter. (…) but I’m so thankful for those neck problems because that’s what led to so many amazing doctors. So the first goal with Dr. Hoefer was to get some pressure off the neck because what essentially was happening was this Spidey-Man showdown of my nervous system getting punched in the face twice by both my neck and all the fun brain shingles stuff. So if we could take some pressure off the neck it would give my nervous system a chance to reset, to rest, and more importantly heal. And that’s exactly what happened.

(…) If the pain was at a nine or a ten it’s currently at a two or three maybe on any given day. Sometimes a four or a five on an occasional shitty day, but it is so much better. So I couldn’t sit here and wholeheartedly recommend a chiropractor or Blair chiropractic to be specific, but what I can recommend is Dr. Hoefer and Well Connected [Chiropractic] because honestly, she saved my life.

HOEFER: Where other philosophies may be that ‘oh if we just do this, do one adjustment and see what happens’—I don’t wanna play with ‘see what happens’, I wanna test it and ask it and be very confident knowing that’s exactly what the body has said it needs. Period.

MORRISON: I will also be the first one to say that the chiropractic care by itself would not have saved me. She also integrates PMF, cold laser therapy, trigger point therapy, lymphatic drainage—all of which have been instrumental to my recovery. So Sherri, Lauren, Matt, thank you guys because you also helped save my life.

Where things get really interesting though is the next part. Dr. Hoefer runs an absurd amount of functional neurological tests. One of those tests was a convergence test with my eyes that I failed. So I Google ‘what is convergence?’ I stumble across this video with Dr. Lam at Insight Vision Center, I realize they’re also in Southern California and randomly call and ask, ‘Do you guys do vision rehab in person?’. They said ‘Yes we do, come on in, take a test’. I came in, took that test, and failed with flying colors. My eyes wouldn’t track together, I couldn’t focus close or far, I was a disaster. So I ended up starting vision rehab and as much as it is rehab for your eyes and muscles, it’s actually more so rehab for your brain. It is intense, it is draining, because you are quite literally rebuilding broken and damaged neural pathways so shoutout to my vision therapy coach Nikki who has been nothing short of incredible.

(…) on that whole process because it has been insane but it’s also been incredible and seriously everybody at Insight, everybody at Well Connected are just leagues and bounds and just absurdly better than anything else I’ve ever experienced. So are things completely better and fully healed? No. I would say it feels like while I do still have 1 foot in hell at least I have a foot out the door and I would comfortably confidently say I’m about 60% better which is so so much better than it was. It’s still pretty much a full-time job rehabbing and getting better but that was the thing though, prior to getting answers, that was the worst part. The unknown. Because I don’t care what I have to do. If I have to drive four hours a day, if I have to eat grass or fish food, I’ll do it. I’ll be Kobe [Bryant] rehabbing his Achilles [tendon] just tell me what to do”.^[2]

– Jonathan Morrison, 2024

The quality of healthcare the system provides is a complete gamble, and it can’t even be accurately measured since most people aren’t even honest about their experiences with it. Not everyone has an audience willing to sincerely listen. The only thing really waiting for you should you speak up about issues you have or have had with doctors, practices, or anything else in the system, is ridicule, shaming, belittling, and potentially mischaracterization. That last one has been especially true since 2020. Nobody wants to be seen as anything close to the anti-science, anti-vax, or Covid denier type. It’s a terrifying thought. Of course, mentioning an issue you have with specific doctors or practices doesn’t inherently mean you’re any of those things, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you carry sentiments that have the ability to be mischaracterized in that regard, it’s likely to happen. Having this type of culture also means people are more likely to side against the individual in question in an effort to be on the “good side” and distance themselves as much as they can from the more outrageous crowd of people.

People aren’t even honest with themselves when it comes to experiencing things they shouldn’t have when receiving healthcare. The instinctual reaction is to downplay or dismiss whatever took place. Not because of trust in the doctor, but due to the well established and reinforced patient/doctor dynamic. The patient shuts up and stays in their place while the doctor does the work everyone else is too stupid to do. Nearly “everyone” feels a subtle anxiety in looking stupid for even thinking something that goes against this dynamic in the slightest.

It’s so bad, that people are convinced they’re incapable of judging the quality of healthcare they’re receiving. If they go to the doctor and the entire time they feel something is wrong; as if they’re not having their issue addressed, taken seriously, treated properly or simply resolved, the natural response would be to downplay or dismiss this. That is honestly fucking crazy. People also assume that everyone else is incapable of accurately judging the quality of the healthcare those people have received as well, thus reinforcing the dynamic further. That is also fucking crazy.

When you have a culture that only values one half of the dynamic and invalidates the other, then the credibility of how that one half is treating the other is completely nonexistent. Of course from a doctor’s point of view they haven’t made any mistakes or at the very least aren’t doing anything wrong. If you never listen to the people that claim said doctor did in fact do wrong in how they conducted their service then how could that doctor ever see any consequence for their behavior? When nearly all potential criticisms against an individual are immediately doubted, dismissed or downplayed, it means that individual can pretty much do whatever they want unchecked—or at least a whole lot more than they should. Now imagine instead of it being just one individual, it’s over a million.^[3]

Doctors are inherently in one of the greatest positions of power. The life and trajectory of another human being is quite literally in their hands. It’s extremely dangerous & irresponsible to allow a culture where the favor is heavily skewed towards the person in power in nearly every scenario without any real judgement on whether or not it should be. A culture where the person of power is unable to be seriously questioned for the way they conduct themselves. The only time a doctor gets called into question is when they’ve committed a crime, and even that’s not guaranteed to go punished. By the time the bill comes in there’s no money for a malpractice lawsuit even if there was somehow already money and time for a lawsuit.

People seem to forget that all medical “professionals” provide a service to the public. Due to the nature of what it is they do; if the public is unhappy with the service they are receiving, that is the only thing that matters. It’s quite bizarre that the voices of the people providing the service far outweighs the voices of the patients who are receiving the service (and paying for it).

Modern medicine & technology has blown my mind since I was a child. We are capable of some truly remarkable things. In theory, American healthcare should be second to none. And yet it’s a complete hit or miss. How did that happen?

In September of 2022 I went to a new general practitioner since I could no longer see my pediatrician. During that physical checkup they ran an electrocardiogram (or EKG) on me, in which they then expressed genuine confusion and decided to run another test. They concluded that I had right bundle branch block in my heart. Fast forward to February of 2023 and I randomly woke up with a raging headache and puffy eyes. 2 days later on the 9th they both subside and in their place instead was heart palpitations. Whenever I did anything that could possibly increase heart rate, the intensity & speed of the beating would dramatically increase as well. The beat itself had no rhythm. It also felt like it took more effort to breathe and on top of that I just felt too aware of my heart’s existence. I assume this applies to everyone, but usually you don’t actively feel your heart doing anything, or any of your organs really. This however was different. I was able to feel its exact placement in my chest and what it was doing. Whenever it was in a more relaxed state, it felt like it was sunk into my chest.

Eventually my heart got so intense that I couldn’t even walk a full minute to the store without genuinely feeling like my heart was going to fail if I walked any further. By that point I was too freaked out to not do something about it, especially considering the previous discovery of the branch block. This was also when I realized that anything naturally capable of elevating my heart rate would have its effects dramatically amplified by whatever was going on with my heart at that moment.

I had already figured that something external must have entered my body since the raging headache that made me feel like someone was stabbing my brain and the puffy eyes came completely out of nowhere, and since I’ve experienced inflammation in my chest before, I figured my heart was inflamed for some unknown reason.

The options now were to either go to the emergency room (ER) or wait until I could see my doctor. Option 1 is obviously the last option anyone would want to go through, but Option 2 had its own problems. Firstly, I had already decided that I wasn’t going back to the doctor I saw in September because she was pretty weird and their office is extremely slow. She also just wasn’t an ideal choice for a doctor by any stretch. So secondly, I’d have to find a new doctor which is a lot of work, as well as a gamble. And thirdly, there is no guarantee I’d be able to see one soon enough. The closest date my father could find amongst “professionals” he already knew was for 5 days later. When you’re barely able to walk without your heart beating like it’s about to burst, there is no 5 days of waiting.

Option 1 is what I was heavily leaning towards. However, I wanted to make sure that it was actually worth going through the nightmarish commitment & fees to admit myself to an ER. I figured I’d ask as many questions as you can without actually admitting yourself, to see if an ER was worth it. Because legally, a doctor cannot medically advise you if you are not their patient. So I had to ask questions that were adjacent & a bit contextually removed so they could provide me the information I needed without directly answering, and legally could not be used against them even if I wanted to. As confusing as that might sound, by this point I had done it before.

At around 10pm I drove to the first ER and while I can’t remember everything I asked, the last question was something about if they did heart related testing. They actually replied no, and said they don’t have the equipment for that, which was baffling to me but I just figured okay I’ll try somewhere else.

So I drove to the second ER which was able to answer less questions for me. One of the answers I was given was that I’d need to ask an actual doctor at the facility for some of the answers I was seeking. I think I might’ve asked if there were any that I could speak to, and I think she might’ve said she was unsure. I don’t fully remember. I just know that I intended to walk out the building afterwards because I did not expect to find someone that could answer me. I don’t fully remember this next exact part of the experience but on my way out, the security guard had asked me something out of concern for what he heard and I believe he had simply told me that one of the doctors was about to clock out and that I could ask him my questions. Now while that exact part is fuzzy, what I know for sure is that the security guard himself asked one of the doctors if he could hang back a minute so he could answer my questions. I never told him to do that nor did I know he would do that.

The doctor in question was a dickhead. Extremely condescending and spoke to me as if I fucked up his whole day even though again I’m not the one that asked for his attention, and both the security guard and the front desk suggested speaking to one of their doctors. I can’t remember most of what he said specifically, but I just remember such a shitty energy from each answer, the word choices, and his face. All of which felt like genuine representations of his character. The part that got under my skin was the half assed fake politeness he tried pulling. He ended off the conversation with “have a nice day” and said it in the fakest way you could imagine.

Comparatively, I found myself in a similar situation just 2 months prior in December. I woke up one morning unable to breathe without feeling like someone was stabbing my chest. I also had an intense pain on the right side of my abdomen that eventually found itself on the exact opposite side of my abdomen which freaked me out. I wasn’t sure if I had injured myself from the previous days’ ab workout but it was unlike anything I had experienced. However like I’ve already established I only care to go to the ER if I actually have to. So I decided to get as much information as I could to decide if it was worth it to admit myself.

At around 11:30pm I went to the first ER. I honestly don’t even remember what I asked them but it prompted me to go to the second ER in which I found an EMT inside an open ambulance outside the building. He was just calmly moving things around and setting things up, there was no emergency. I had asked him my questions and while he did bring up the legality issue for a few of them, he was such an amazing person and genuinely tried to be of help the best he could legally. He was definitely younger than the dickhead and appeared to be in his 20s, and he was a chill guy that actually gave a shit about what was going on. While talking to him I realized the unlikeliness of what I had running through my head, so I pivoted to a specific question that would indirectly give me the answer I was looking for. He was actually able to answer, and it eased my mind a lot knowing that despite whatever’s going on it most likely isn’t worth going to the ER for and could just be attributed to a fucked up sprain. Sure enough, after a couple of days the situation resolved itself on its own.

Both of those men were put in the same position yet responded radically different. Even & especially in the way they suggested I go to the ER. They both mentioned it a few times, but the doctor had a condescending attitude about it while the EMT said it as a genuine option that is available to me if I would like to use it, and even acknowledged my concern about the cost. Both the doctor and EMT work for the exact same hospital by the way. So to run into the former after the latter made the shock even bigger.

Going back to February 9th I was pretty pissed off but unfortunately the ER seemed like the best option because again, 5 days won’t cut it. So the next morning I admitted myself to that second ER. Due to that dickhead I ran into, I went there expecting the whole place to be like that and for my situation to be downplayed entirely. I expected to have my time wasted.

I eventually got to see a nurse and she seemed nice at first and asked me what was going on. I tried explaining to her I was dealing with serious heart palpitations. Then she immediately starts to doubt what I’m saying because I’m apparently “too young to be having heart problems”, which is dumb as shit on its own but even more so because I literally had a friend at the time diagnosed with 3 different heart diseases. Had tubes shoved down his throat and everything. So she starts asking me to describe what’s going on instead of using the word “palpitations”, so I try explaining it to her. Then she tells me not to “use the words I found on Google” and to actually describe what it is that’s going on in my own words. In my head I’m thinking “bitch what the fuck else do you want me to say there are no more words in this language to explain this”, and even though I don’t remember what I said after, I just let her get her bullshit off after that cause it was clear I wasn’t going to receive any help here anyway. She then went on about some other bullshit and it was overall very clear that she’s one of those people where if she hasn’t personally seen something herself then that thing is impossible.

She then leaves & now I’m waiting for a doctor. At this point I’m very angry and realize I actually would like to say “fuck you” to her face when I leave. A little while later a group of doctors show up and I’m expecting them to be no different than the nurse. To my surprise however, they were actually pretty amazing. It was a main doctor and 2 assistants. Different personalties but all very pleasant and relaxed—one of them was even funny. My mood almost immediately shifted after they started introducing themselves and letting me know what kind of tests they’ll be running. It seemed pretty thorough which made me quite happy. I don’t remember which test specifically it was but there was one in particular that I was intending to demand they do if they weren’t already going to. That bill ain’t bout to be for nothing. So to see that it was already included felt like a huge green flag to me.

The process was quite slow as I was there for several hours but the relevant part was the end. After doing an EKG, blood work, chest X-Ray, and likely other things I don’t remember, they said they couldn’t find anything. Given the trust I had in them I took what they said at face value. It still didn’t ease me though since my situation was simply now unexplained. I had asked the main doctor about the right bundle branch block that my previous doctor had informed me about, and he simply told me I didn’t have one.

Naturally I’m a bit confused and concerned and asked him how is it possible then for her to have found that. He asked which hospital does she work for and when he found out she’s not apart of the same network as him he made a remark that “she must’ve done an amateur’s job” which explains it, before walking off. This soured my perception of him quite a bit, because this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard a doctor shade & belittle another doctor based on nothing but ego. I still trusted his abilities but this threw me off cause I honestly thought he was different.

One of the assistants comes back around and I bring up the concern of nothing found and he says if I’m still unsure then I should go see a cardiologist and wrote me a recommendation. I knew in that moment I for sure wanted to pursue this. I then leave the hospital and despite seeing the nurse on my way out, I didn’t care enough anymore to say anything. I was so hungry, waited endlessly for hours, had a swab shoved up my nose for Covid that felt beyond violating, and had quite a bit of blood drawn. At that point I didn’t have a fuck to give or a fuck you to say. I just wanted to go home. Speaking of her, guess what the official diagnosis on my discharge papers was…

That following Friday I go to the cardiologist, on time, and it would turn out that I’d have to wait 90 minutes just to see him. I don’t need to explain how insane that is but I already had scheduled plans for that day which was the sole reason I decided “fuck it I’ll go somewhere else some other time”. I then manage to have an appointment scheduled with a different cardiologist for 3 weeks later. A cardiologist that I pleasantly found out actually conducts their work on time. By this point it’s March 10th and even though the intensity I was feeling before had long subsided, my heart still didn’t feel normal.

This cardiologist was a much older individual who I assumed was in his 50s if not 60s which originally concerned me since my perception at the time was that older people are much more likely to be dismissive and narrow minded. (I actually found out recently he’s in his 80s.) However while doing the usual checks like blood pressure and whatnot he told me something that greatly surprised me. I won’t share what it was, but I never imagined I’d hear a doctor say that and it immediately let me know that I could trust him.

It’s hard to remember much else about what took place but I do remember he was thorough and that I had a very positive experience with him. At the end he shared what he believed might be going on and explained what the potential courses of action were. I believe he mentioned 3 possibilities in total, one of them being something called WPW syndrome known more officially as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. He said it’s quite simple to fix, and that they would insert a catheter to either “zap” or freeze the area that’s causing the condition. As for the other 2 possibilities I don’t truly remember, but at the time he was leaning towards WPW. He also asked me to find out if I had a heart murmur at birth. The fact that I was born 2 weeks early also fueled his suspicion towards what he thought might’ve been taking place.

He told me to come back next week for an echocardiogram and so I did. During the procedure he said I was “the most interesting echo” he had done all day and had pointed out a few times that he was seeing things that stuck out to him. Primarily weird activity in the upper chambers that was throwing him off. Afterwards in his office he told me that he had now ruled out WPW and instead was mostly sold on me having “a small pinhole” in my heart—known more officially as a patent foramen ovale (or PFO). He gave me an amazing breakdown of what it was, what further testing would have to be done, and the procedure to fix it, which is basically the same as WPW but instead of using temperature to fix the condition they instead slide an object that would remain in place to fill the hole.

In order for them to do the procedure they’d have to do one beforehand with a tube down my throat so they could use some sort of device to know exactly where the hole is and how big. My cardiologist genuinely didn’t want me to have to go through that if it wasn’t necessary so he decided to have me scheduled for a bubble echocardiogram. Which is the same as a regular echocardiogram but instead they shoot saline bubbles into your heart through an intravenous line (or IV) so they can see if the bubbles leak over to the other side of the heart; indicating the presence of a hole within the wall.

He also said that there was no branch block either but that I undoubtedly had a weird EKG and that whatever it is that doctor found and perceived as a block is the same abnormality he found.

This man was so thorough with his explanations and truly tried to answer every last concern I had. Even when I wasn’t able to articulate some of my symptoms at an ideal level, he still tried his best to interpret them. Something I didn’t even notice until texting someone about the situation was that not once did it ever even cross my mind to look into anything that he had told me. Not a single thing. Even with the legitimate possibility that I’d have tubes down my throat, I fully trusted his judgement.

The man did his job so well and displayed so much humanity that it made me feel more than comfortable as a patient and that I was truly receiving the kind of healthcare every person in this country deserves. It made all the awards he had displayed on his desk feel like they actually meant something and held weight.

By this point it’s March 17th, and even though he himself had done bubble echocardiograms before, he wasn’t able to conduct one for me due to legality or insurance rules or some shit. So I’d have to go somewhere else, and the earliest date I was able to receive was May 31st. Then an issue occurred where the procedure was past the date my insurance was willing to allow it to happen. My cardiologist’s assistant was able to get me an extension. I don’t remember what took place but for whatever reason I wasn’t actually able to get an appointment until July 18th, in which I found myself again in the same situation where it fell outside the valid date range insurance would cover. They were able to get me a second extension (I think).

On the day of the procedure both me and the woman conducting it pleasantly came to find out that my cardiologist was also the one that she had worked under earlier in her career. Unsurprisingly, she was just as delightful as he was. Phenomenal at her job, very human with her interactions, and was able to make me feel like I was in great hands. I truly cannot stress how great of a feeling it is to receive medical care you actually like. The procedure however didn’t reveal anything. None of the bubbles transferred to the other side. So now I had to go back to my cardiologist to see what the next course of action was.

It wouldn’t be until August 13th that I find out the cardiologist was retiring. One of the most disappointing things I have ever experienced. He left behind a recommendation on who to see instead and on August 29th I was able to see this new doctor, who turned out to be his nephew.

He wasn’t bad at his job and was in fact quite thorough, but he certainly wasn’t his uncle. He’s one of those optimist types (for lack of better phrasing) where if he can’t immediately find anything wrong, he believes you are perfectly healthy and there is no need to do anything further. It felt like my concerns were quite dismissed cause of this. Combined with the fact that none of the medical records had transferred over yet, the whole appointment was a bit of a waste. The tests he had conducted himself were an electrocardiogram and the ones that just require a bit of physical touch and some sort of simple medical instrument.

By this point I was pretty much over this whole heart situation. I didn’t feel confident that what I was hearing reflected reality, but jumping from doctor to doctor is just not in me to do. I also hadn’t experienced anything like the intensity of the event since it had happened and was still able to engage in physical activities, so I didn’t find it that dire anymore. My heart still didn’t feel normal and the more passive effects never actually subsided, but again it didn’t feel dire so I didn’t really care anymore.

By now there’s one more appointment left in which he’d actually have all the medical records to read from. This would take place on November 14th, and ended up being not that different. He basically said he went over everything, still couldn’t find anything and that overall my heart seems perfectly normal. I asked him to explain what must’ve happened on the day of the event and he told me it was likely a mild case of myocarditis which felt like the most ironic slap in the face. He also mentioned the likelihood of me having some type of murmur I don’t remember the name of. However, he didn’t definitively confirm anything. Just ideas thrown out into the air. This would mark the end of my attempts at receiving healthcare on the matter for a good while.

Throughout all that time & money, I was left with nothing. I was now in a position where the first doctor I see tells me explicitly that I have a heart condition, although a minor one. Then the second doctor I see and the first one after an intense cardiovascular episode tells me they can’t find anything, and that the first doctor was completely wrong. Then the third doctor I see—the best doctor I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting—tells me he undoubtedly sees something strange going on in my heart and is worried enough to order further testing. Then one of the possibilities is eliminated, he retires before we can keep exploring, and now I have a fourth doctor who tells me he can’t find anything either even with the results of his uncle’s echo and leaves me with a few guesses.

That timeline of events shouldn’t have been possible. Either there’s 2 doctors here that need to find another job or I have an impish heart condition that likes to pick and choose when to be detectable. If my heart had returned to normal I wouldn’t care nearly as much. I’d have just amounted it to me being unlucky, but that still hasn’t happened.

On May 27th, 2024, my heart started to act up again. At first it was only palpitations, although these ones were truly persistent. I’ve had moments before where my heart was palpitating but then it stopped pretty quickly, like within 20 minutes to an hour. These ones refused to go away. Then between June 3rd and June 10th I started to feel extreme discomfort in my heart. This was concerning enough to make me genuinely feel as if something could happen to me while sleeping, so I made sure certain things were in order each night before bed in case I needed help. Then on June 9th I felt pain that extended from the left side of my chest all the way to the right side where my armpit starts in a straight line. I also developed a headache on the same day. Then on June 11th I developed a tightness in my throat. Every new symptom I endured during this time simply stacked on top of what was already happening, rather than one replacing the other.

June 10th would be when I decided to look into seeing a cardiologist. More specifically a cardiologist that specialized in atrial fibrillation that also took my insurance. I was not at all interested in going through the process of seeing a doctor again but I was even less interested in letting something happen to me while sleeping. After searching for a while I finally landed on someone who I thought would give me the care I needed but when I called to schedule, the lady told me he was booked until mid December. She then offered to find what the soonest date available from anyone in the building would be, and I accepted. She then told me the date would be July 13th. In my head, I obviously don’t have a month for something like this. More importantly, I didn’t want my symptoms to disappear again before they could find anything. So I declined.

I kept looking around and eventually found someone that seemed promising despite being part of the NYU Langone hospital network. Based on the last time I had received care from them, I questioned if this was the right choice. But the options for a cardiologist with experience in atrial fibrillation that didn’t seem terrible and also took my insurance and could see me within the same week were quite limited. So I said fuck it. The appointment was for June 13th.

I get there on time and after waiting over 50 minutes I finally get to see the doctor, and it quickly became very clear to me that NYU Langone really is just a shitty network. The nurse had a cold personality and did the usual standard tests like blood pressure as well as an EKG and conducted them a bit sloppily. Then I wait around for a while and the doctor himself comes in. His personality was extremely cold, as if he was being forced to work this job for free. He asked me to explain what was going on and so I told him and none of it was interesting enough to him. Neither were any of the previous experiences I tried informing him of. He was the kind of doctor where you can’t really explain shit to him cause he’ll be quick to cut to you off if it takes you more than 7 seconds to completely articulate something.

He then asked me a few more questions and concluded that he himself doesn’t see anything wrong and said he’d provide me a referral for some place I could call to schedule for an echocardiogram. I was already pissed, but like I said, I hate the fake shit. You telling me you’ll have the receptionist write a referral with a half assed tone that you give a shit if I receive medical attention when you clearly do not is grounds for me to want to sock you. It cost $304.93 to see a dipshit sit in a chair for six minutes and make zero effort to even at least make it seem like this job means something to him. That is what I waited 50 minutes past schedule for. Next time something happens with my heart I’ll try ******* ** ******’* ******* **** ** and see if that gets them to do what they’re being paid to. Fuck it.

Our current physical healthcare is littered with problems—and I didn’t even scratch the surface—so how is it possible for our mental healthcare to be any better?

The next chapter:

Psychiatry’s Mirror

The Issue with Gabbie Hanna & Her Tiktok Infamous Throat Tattoo by celle – August 29, 2022
Health Update – I Lost Everything… by Jonathan Morrison – June 17, 2024
Total number of active physicians in the U.S. by Statista – February 19, 2024

The Myth of the Mental Health System

w r I t t e N b Y b L e S s I n g S s t r A N d e d

Psychiatry’s Mirror